Scott Mills, Ph.D.
Our friends can be our greatest support in creating change in our lives or they can be our worst enemies. Depending on their capacity to adapt and appreciate change, our efforts to expand our lives can be welcomed with open arms or rejected. The incredible power of a strong group of supportive friends to make change possible for us makes this a hard dynamic to ignore.
James Flaherty, President of New Ventures West, says that many people “feel sentenced to our friends.” But relationships, just like people, grow and change over time. When we are lucky and skillful, our groups of friend grow together and can support each other in that process. If that isn't the case you might want to consider they ways you are relating to your friends and see if you can shift those patterns.
Do a quick friend inventory. Who are the three to six people you spend the most time with in your life? Write their names down and then consider whether you find them to be supportive or not? Are they excited when you want to create something new in your life? Are they excited about life? Do they offer encouragement and love? Are you offering them encouragement and support in their life goals? If your friends are not as supportive as you like, here are six things to consider.
1. Be clear about your intentions and ask for help. Sometimes groups fall into a negative rut that they just can’t seem to get out of. They spend all their time gossiping about other people or complaining about their lives. Ultimately, these behaviors aren’t very satisfying. We don’t leave feeling better about ourselves. Your choice to let people know how much you appreciate them in your lives as well as how much you would love for your group to be a more positive influence can be just the thing that’s needed to snap the group out of autopilot and put them on a new path.
2. Don’t engage negativity. This can be hard at first. You may find yourself subtly changing the subject or saying that you really don’t want to be negative. The important thing is that you don’t let yourself get sucked in to the toxic behaviors you are trying to avoid. You might even excuse yourself for a restroom break and come back with a more positive topic to shift the conversation onto.
3. Focus on the positive and share your gratitude for each of them. We often project our own negative feelings about ourselves onto other people and the world. We long to be seen for who we really are like a four year old bringing home her artwork for Mommy to hang on the refrigerator. When we can really see other people and appreciate them for who they are we create space for them to see themselves and let go of some of that negative projection.
4. Give support to them around their goals. Often if we are not getting the support we need, we are also not giving support to other people. Pay particular attention to how you are supporting the goals and dreams of your friends. Ask them what they might like to feel more supported and do it. When we give to our friends, they have a greater ability to give back to us as well.
5. Add new friends to your life. If you have three close friends, there is no rule against having four. You can begin by simply opening yourself up to the possibility of new people entering your life who are positive and loving and see who shows up. Sometimes this is enough to get us started. If not, check out social groups that share your interest. If you are trying to be more positive and confident, check out the Toastmasters. Hanging out with like minded people who are building their own skills is often a great place to meet people who can support your dreams!
6. Know that its okay to part ways. There may come a time when you have grown beyond your current group of friends and want something else in your life. That doesn’t make them bad people or you better. It’s okay to part ways when our friendships cease to bear life.
What strategies have you used to build more supportive communities in your life? As always, I would love to hear your ideas!
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