Scott Mills, Ph.D.
One of the best ways to ensure failure is not to plan for success. While I am a big fan of setting our intention and hoping for the best, we can do a lot more than that to make sure that the changes we initiate in our lives last.
In my work with clients, we use what’s called an integral model of change. It means that for change to be lasting in has to address four major ways that people are in the world: their heads and hearts, their bodies, their communities and their environment. Preparing some ways to support yourself through your efforts and those of your friends and family can make the difference between a wished for change and a realized change.
Head and Heart
If you’re like most people, there is a party going on in your head most of the time. Some of the party goers are supportive of what you’re working towards and others are nothing but negative. This negative voice is often called the inner critic (or even gremlins) and can put a serious damper on our ability to move forward. For example, if you are trying to lose weight and that little voice tells you there’s no way you can do it, you have to spend energy not listening or you might even just believe it and give in. Saying no thanks to this voice is an important step but equally important is having a new thought to replace the old ready to go. So if that negative voice tells you there’s no way you can lose weight how about replacing that thought with “I can choose to feel good, eat well and be abundantly healthy.” What new thought can support the change you are trying to create in your life?
Bodies in Motion
Most of us focus our change efforts in the realm of behavior. This is the area of action or body. But again, our efforts are often limited to just stopping something. One of my friends has decided this year that he wants to drink less. When he payed attention to when he was actually drinking it was normally out with friends at happy hour events. He could simply decide to stop drinking but there is nothing to replace the old behavior and it will require sheer will power to hold up his resolve. Some of the options he came up with were: drinking a beverage like cranberry and soda that he liked as well, inviting his friends to go to other places like a smoothie bar for happy hour or even going out with those folks once a week less often and hanging out with other friends. Having behaviors that you enjoy to replace the ones you are trying to stop goes a long way in helping you not feel deprived of the old activity. What behaviors would you enjoy doing in place of the one you are letting go of?
Communities
Like or not, our friends and families, our workplaces, our community in general heavily influence us. In the example above, my friend actually was drinking more just with his friends. In the office, perhaps people bring in lots of dessert dishes or donuts and leave them in a break room. Or maybe you go out to eat with friends that encourage you to have the dessert.
Most of the time our friends want to see us happy and support us. But when we change they may not know how to break out of their old patterns. It can be helpful to know what would be most supportive in your efforts to create change in your life and offer them to your friends. Imagine saying to your dinner friends, “I love spending time with you all. Your support and encouragement is so valuable to me. I’m trying to get healthier this year and would be really grateful if you could help me by looking for healthy choices for me when we are out at dinner.” Saying something like this to your friends does three important things. First, it appreciates your friends and their role in your life. Two, it offers them a new behavior to replace the old without judging them or making them wrong. Three, it enlists them in helping you create change in your life and holds the potential to bring you even closer together. What might you ask of your friends and family to help support your change efforts today?
Environment
Our surroundings impact us more than we know. It’s easy not to notice how our environment is impacting us. It’s sort of like asking a fish to notice the water that its swimming in. Imagine if you were trying to relax and someone was playing drums in the next room. Unless drumming relaxes you, you are going to have a hard time. Having lots of chaos and clutter in your life can act like those drums. The background noise can keep us from feeling fresh and focused.
Take a quick mental inventory of your home and workspace. Do these spaces promote calm and peace for you? Is there room to grow and create change in your life? If not, pick one small area that you can begin with. It might be as simple as one drawer or shelf and commit to having that area reflect your inner peace and spaciousness. Over time, let that expand to the surrounding drawers and shelves till it fills your entire home and office. Often letting go of old stuff that doesn’t serve us opens up space for new energy to emerge in our minds and our lives. What could you do to make your environment support you more today?
How are you creating greater structural supports for change in your life? As always, I would love to hear your ideas and comments.
Scott Mills,Ph.D. is an expert in the world of work life balance. As a life coach and consultant he works to create passion, purpose and power in the lives of extraordinary people just like you. You can read more of his blogs or find out more about him at www.joyandbalance.com
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