Joy and Balance

Have You Caught the Gratitude Virus? Could You Be Spreading It?

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

The power of gratitude is nothing short of amazing!  When we focus on what we do have in our lives, from our health, to people who love us, or even things as simple as being pain free or breathing freely, we come back to the present.  We stop regretting the past and anticipating the future. And this power can be contagious. 

In a workshop led by visionaries Matthew and Terses Engelhart, the founders of Cafe Gratitude who are teachers and guides internationally, I witnessed a very powerful experiment.  At lunch we were asked to share with three people what we were grateful for that day.  Many were nervous at approaching someone else (overcoming their stranger danger) but upon returning many, many stories were shared of how this small practice opened up the teller and invited the hearer to reflect on their own sense of gratitude.  It became a gratitude virus.  Have you spread the gratitude virus today?  Try sharing what you are grateful for with three people everyday for a week and see how this tiny practice begins to shift you life!

Scott Mills,Ph.D. is an expert in the world of work life balance.  As a life coach and consultant he works to create passion, purpose and power in the lives of extraordinary people just like you. You can read more of his blogs or find out more about him at www.joyandbalance.com

Paying Attention to Life: Exercising Awareness and Changing Our Lives

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

Our lives are busy, busy, busy.  There’s little time to slow down and pay attention.  We are too busy getting where we are going to even notice that we aren’t sure where that is.  Winston Churchill once said, “Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.”  Our efforts to create change in our lives are often just another thing to add to the list of busyness.  But what if their was another way?  What if we slowed down long enough to see what we really wanted in our lives, to decide that much of our busyness is unnecessary and we took the time to really make the choices that would make us happy?  This article offers a simple set of steps to bring you back to yourself long enough to see if you are really going the direction you want to.

First, breathe! 

This may seem like a strange thing to ask you to do.  If you weren’t breathing you would be passed out or worse yet, dead.  But when we don’t pay attention to life we are walking dead on autopilot with our lives completely out of our control.  We have given up the power to make choices and let our old patterns carry us along like the  currents of a river.  If you can stop for a moment and just pay attention to your breath, the breath going in and filling your lungs and out back to where it came, a little different as it has taken on a part of you and you have taken in a part of it, you can begin to come back to life.  Try this now for at least a minute, five if you can.  Don’t worry.  I’ll wait.

New Year's Resolutions Don't Work: A Mindful Approach to Change

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

What would happen if you made a list of all the New Year’s Resolutions that you have ever made and then checked off all that you have actually achieved?  If you are like most people, you would find that not much had been checked off.  That’s because New Year’s Resolutions don’t work.  According to some experts up to 97% of New Year's resolutions aren't kept every year.  They rarely have the thought and energy behind them to allow for real change to happen in our lives.  The good news is that adopting a mindful approach to change, we can move our lives towards greater joy and balance while achieving our goals.  

This article covers six principles derived from Buddhist teachings that can help us create change in our lives.   This is only a beginning.  I will continue to post on this topic throughout the year but for now, these six principles will help you move into the life you want to create.

Happy Holidays? A Buddhist Approach to Dealing with Difficult People During the Holidays (Especially Your Family)

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

   This guy could be waiting for you at your office Christmas party.  He might be just waiting to tell you how Barack Obama will ruin the country or how Communists are taking over.  Maybe he's even your Uncle Phil and you will have to sit across from him as you eat your holiday meal.   Face it!  No matter who we are we just can't escape dealing with difficult people during the holidays (or most days for that matter) but we can choose a different way of dealing with them that will give us more peace.  Here are my top five tips for dealing with "difficult" people during the holidays.

Dealing with the Anxiety of Unemployment: Five Easy Strategies for Keeping It Under Control

    When we are out of work it's easy to get anxious.  We wonder when we will find a job, will we make enough money, will we be able to pay the bills?  While these may be questions worth asking, most often they lock us in a downward spiral that makes actually doing the work of finding a new job pretty difficult.   Before we know it we can become so stressed out that we are frozen in fear, completely incapacitated.   There are better ways to deal with this level of stress.  Here are five strategies that take less than ten minutes to learn and can make a profound impact on your life.

Moving Beyond Unemployment: Regaining Our Sense of Connection

    Let's face it.  Unemployment can really stink.  When we lose our jobs we can become fundamentally disconnected from everything that's important to us.   For many Americans, even when we are working we feel like we are just keeping our heads above water.  When the job goes so does our identity, self-esteem, community and sense of purpose.   As depressing as this all may be, there is a path out of despair and back into meaningful work.  And for many, this may be an excellent opportunity to really challenge what work is about in their lives and find a different path. 

    We all know that losing our jobs can be profoundly disconnecting.  We tell people who we are by what we do.   I'm a nurse or a lawyer, a copy editor or a dog catcher.  Our professions function as shorthand for who we are.   In addition, we spend more time with the people at work than we spend with our families.  When we lose our jobs we become disconnected from our support network not to mention the familiar environment of our office.  And the depression that can follow losing our job may even disconnect us from our bodies.  If you have ever spent days on end on the couch feeling like you just don't have the energy to move you know what I'm talking about.

Making the Holidays Matter Again: Setting Your Holiday Intention

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come in a store.  Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more."  - Grinch

    All the who's in Whoville seemed to be able to figure out, at least in Dr. Seuss's classic tale, that Christmas wasn't just about presents.  I like getting gifts as much as the next guy and finding the perfect gift for a friend or family member can be fun to.   But its not the gift that's the most exciting thing.  It's watching the joy on the face of the person you give the gift to and feeling seen when you recieve a gift that really speaks to who you are.   This year, why not join the Whos secretly living amongst you decide that you will celebrate something bigger this year.

    In any endeavor, knowing what you really want and setting your mind, heart and body in that direction makes a big difference.  If the three wise men had followed the wrong star, they wouldn't have reached their goal.  The same is true for us.  So to make the holidays joyful we have decide what it is we really want out of the holidays and then we can be creative about getting it.

    The part of Christmas I love best is connecting to my friends and family.  I love everyone getting together and sharing great stories, laughing, hugging, having a good time.   So my holiday intention is pretty simple.  I commit to the holidays being a time of connecting deeply to people I care about most.  From there I can figure out all the ways that I can make that happen.  Sure, giving and getting gifts is one of the ways that I can connect with people but there are so many more.  Making meals together, decorating the tree, taking walks (even in the snow), sharing hot cocoa and telling stories, seeing a movie, calling to catch up.  These are all things that we build our relationships on and that we remember for years to come.   What intention will you commit to for this holiday season?  What creative ways can you accomplish it?

Scott Mills,Ph.D. is a life coach and consultant working to create passion, purpose and power in the lives of extraordinary people just like you. You can read more of his blogs or find out more about him at www.joyandbalance.com

Stop Thinking Obama is Santa: How Everyday People Can Create Real Change in America

Barack Obama's election has changed everything and nothing at the same time.   His election has brought hope back to America in a time where many of us have felt hopeless.  It has opened the possiblities for people of color all over the country. What it hasn't done is fundamentally change the political system.   When Clinton was elected, a man from a town called hope, we believed that everything would change.   And while a lot did, again the political system remained fundamentally intact.   The only way that the system can change is if the American people invest our hearts, minds and bodies in the process.  It isn't enough to make our Christmas list for Obama and tell him if we don't get what we want he won't be re-elected in four years.   We have to engage change at every level of our lives.

I have some ideas for places to start.  More than anything I want a wider conversation and broader action arising to create these changes.  Here's what I am thinking.  I hope that you will join in this conversation with me.

1. Compassionately question everything.  Until November 4th, I lived in a world that told me that a black man could not be elected President.  It turns out what I was told was wrong.  What else have I been told that might be different.  Could everyone have health care?  Should everyone have a right to work?  Is it possible that everyone could enjoy their work?  Could we start loving people more than we love things?

2. Start living more simply.  I know that I am trapped by my desires.  I can't spend a month volunteering if I want to pay my bills.  Some of my friends feel like they can't risk speaking out if they want to keep their jobs.  But for me, and most people I know, the four dollar cups of coffee aren't really making us happy.  Neither are the big houses and expensive cars.  They are filling our lives so we don't notice how much we are really missing.  Most of us can start living more simply right away.  What's one thing that you could let go of today that would create more space in your life?

3. Start engaging in the Alternative Economic System.  All over the country there are local barter systems where you can trade your skills for the skills of another.   Lots of places call them barter systems.  Sometimes they are very organized and are referred to as time banks.  Other times you just put an ad up on craigslist.  This is one of the easiest ways to make your life a bit more simple and to create a relationship with your hairstylist or masseur or gardner.  (I have begun a listing of time banks and other AESs on my site.  Please send me links to yours with the location so I can help get the word out.)

4. Engage in every opportunity that we can to speak our truth and act on it.  Any skill that is worth having takes practice to build up.  Exercising the courage to come out of every closet that you live in, to speak your truth and to act with compassion and justice takes practice as well.  It can start small.  Maybe it will be a conversation with your grandmother about how you feel about the war.  Maybe it will be showing up for a protest or making phone calls.  But the more we connect to each other, the more we speak our truth and listen to each other, and the more we act to create change, the more sustainable change in this country becomes a possibility.

I am not willing to wait for January 22nd for the inaugeration of hope.  It's been sparked in me and I'm ready to live it.  What will you do to make real and lasting change in America happen?  What are you willing to commit to?  Please share your ideas.

Scott Mills,Ph.D. is a life coach and consultant working to create passion, purpose and power in the lives of extraordinary people just like you. You can read more of his blogs or find out more about him at www.joyandbalance.com

The Recession is Here: Staying Open in the Midst of Chaos

    Finally the U.S. government has admitted that we are in a recession. This comes as no shock to those of us who have been feeling it for the last year.   Unemployment has reached a level that hasn't been seen since 1974.  Housing foreclosures are right around the corner for lots of folks.  And there are lots of reasons to be fearful.   In times like these, it's only natural that we start to shut down, protect ourselves and try to wait out the storm.  But what we really need to do is open our hearts and try our best to connect to those around us in times of chaos like this.

    In a recent article in the San Francisco Chronicle, Deepak Chopra explains that,

        "Fear deprives people of choice.  Fear shrinks the world into isolated,      defensive enclaves.  Fear spirals out of control.  Fear makes everyday life seem clouded with danger."

    While fear is a natural response to danger, particularly in a time where that danger is pervasive we need to bring our best ideas, plans and strategies for making sure that everyone survives the storm.  It is in times of crisis that humans are able to live our very best selves, to take a little bit less for ourselves so that someone else may have some, to get imaginative and find a way for everyone to find a place at the table. 

    Combatting fear can be tough thing to do.  As a starting point, try one of these four strategies for living more fully. 

1. Thank your intuition for the fear.  Acknowledging the alarm bells, rather than denying them or distracting yourself from them, allows you to make a choice about what to do next.  

2. Check into the present moment.  Our fears are often anticipatory.  They are rooted in things that might happen.  We might lose our jobs.  We might get sick.   Check in with what is going on right now.  If you are worried about losing your job, are you still working?   Do you have good health right now?  A place to live?  Food to eat?  If so, be grateful for what you have in this moment.

3. Imagine how you would like to be in your life.   If you are feeling fearful, give yourself a moment to imagine yourself feeling very confident, calm, loving and connected to those around you.  You are capable of handling whatever situations may arise.   Let yourself experience this as concretely as possible imagining the position of your body as you stand confidently, the warmth of the sun on your skin.  Lots of research has shown that visualizing like this makes it way easier to act in the ways you want to.

4. Connect, connect, connect.   In times of fear, we tend to disconnect from others, to collapse in ourselves, to try to do it all alone.   Unfortunately, not only do we do harm to ourselves by thinking we can weather the storm alone but also to our friends and family who are feeling fearful to and desperately need us to connect to them.   We are tribal creatures who are at our best (and sometimes our worst) when we are together.   Remembering this and allowing yourself to connect to others can at least make the storm a lot less lonely to weather. 

What are your strategies with dealing with fear in the midst of chaos?  If you were putting together a survival guide in times like ours what would you tell other people?  Share your thoughts!

Scott Mills,Ph.D.  is a life coach and consultant working to create passion, purpose and power in the lives of extraordinary people just like you.  You can read more of his blogs or find out more about him at www.joyandbalance.com.

Catch the Happiness Virus! New Study Shows its Possible!

I remember when I was little worrying that I would catch cooties from the girls on the playground.  Apparently there was a terribly cootie epidemic going around that seemed unstoppable.   But, according to a new study released today by BMJ, a British medical journal, happiness might also be contagious.  The 20 year study (1983-2003) conducted as part of the Framington Heart Study concluded that "people who are surrounded by many happy people and those who are central in the network are likely to become happy in the future."  Basically if the people you hang out with the most are happy, you are likely to experience a boost in your own levels of happiness.  (Something my grandmother has been telling me since I was six.)

What does this mean for you?  As the New Year approaches it might be time to evaluate your group of friends to see just how happy they are.  As Jack Canfield is fond of saying, "You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with."  It might just be that your closest friends are dragging you down.  You don't have get rid of them if they aren't happy enough but it might be time to think about how much time you spend with them.  And if you are the unhappy one, it might be time to think about how you are affecting your friends.

Take a quick survey now.  Write down the names of the five people that you spend the most time with.  Next to each of their names put a smily or a frowny face to reflect how you feel around them.  What do you notice?  Are you catching cooties when you are with them or enjoying a happiness infection?

Scott Mills,Ph.D. is a life coach and consultant working to create passion, purpose and power in the lives of extraordinary people just like you. You can read more of his blogs or find out more about him at www.joyandbalance.com