Joy and Balance

Help! My Friends Don’t Want Me to Change: Building More Supportive Communities

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

    Our friends can be our greatest support in creating change in our lives or they can be our worst enemies.   Depending on their capacity to adapt and appreciate change, our efforts to expand our lives can be welcomed with open arms or rejected.   The incredible power of a strong group of supportive friends to make change possible for us makes this a hard dynamic to ignore.

    James Flaherty, President of New Ventures West, says that many people “feel sentenced to our friends.”   But relationships, just like people, grow and change over time.   When we are lucky and skillful, our groups of friend grow together and can support each other in that process.  If that isn't the case you might want to consider they ways you are relating to your friends and see if you can shift those patterns.  

It Takes More than a Village: Change Happens in Community

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could decide to make a change in our life, declare it to ourselves and it would be so?  That’s how most of us decide to create change in our lives.  We go it alone trying to force change into our lives.   And many, many of us fail because this approach is too exhausting to sustain.  However, there is another way.  We can connect to a community that will helps us through the process of change.

If you’re like most people, you probably don’t believe that community makes much of a difference.   However, regardless if its with the support of a friend or a whole group of people, the impact of support groups is overwhelming.  For example, in a study of women with breast cancer those who went to a support group had a 50% higher survival rate.   For those who are trying to quit addictions from overeating to overspending to drugs and alcohol, the positive reinforcement of groups is clear. 

5 Languages of Love? Who Knew?

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

Ever think that your spouse or partner simply don't get you no matter how hard they try?  Or perhaps your convinced that you've done something really special for them and it just seems to fall flat?  What would you say if you knew that they may simply be speaking a different love language than you?   They simply don't hear it the way you think they will.    We rarely think of this option since we tend to assume that the way we experience things is the way everyone does.   But psychologist Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, disagrees.

Imagine if you wanted to tell your partner how much you love her but she speaks Chinese and you only speak Hebrew.   Clearly there will be a problem getting this across.   Chapman's basic theory is that each of us speaks a primary love language and we may have a secondary one that we also communicate through.  In order to really use this well, we first must understand what our own language is so that we can communicate it clearly with those who love us.  Essentially, we teach people how to love us and the only way that we can do this is by being honest and direct about our needs.  Second, we need to know what our partner's primary language is so that we can communicate it.  Sometimes folk aren't sure but using the descriptions below most people can get a pretty good idea.   If not, experiment and see which you or your partner responds best to.

The five languages are:

1.  Words of affirmation.  Folks with this language love to hear that they are loved.  Saying "I love you" is very important.  Also telling them how much they are valued, how attractive they are to you and how glad you are that they are in your life.   Simply put, they need to hear you care.

2. Quality Time.  Folks with this language want you to spend time with them.  This doesn't mean sitting on the couch watching TV but rather doing things that you enjoy together.  This might be cooking a meal together, going out to dinner, going on a walk, spending time with friends.   The activity itself is not as important as the fact that it is done together.

3. Receiving Gifts. Folks with this language know that they are loved when you present them with something that shows you really understand them; you see them for who they are.  For example, if your partner loves old English novels, a copy of Jane Austen would be just the ticket while a book on race cars would not.  The gift is a way that they see you seeing them.   It also doesn't have to cost a lot of money.  Consider picking flowers for someone who loves them, making a card or finding a gift at a thrift store or garage sale.   All of these can say "I love you."

4. Acts of Service.  Folks with this language know they are loved when you do things for them.  This might be bringing breakfast in bed or vacuuming for them. It might be helping organize the garage or offering a massage.   It is important with this type to be clear about what they would like you to do.  Just any old act won't be seen as doing something that they would really appreciate.   You might start by saying, "Honey I would really like to do something to help you out today.  What would you like me to do?"

5. Physical Touch.  By nature, humans are sexual beings.  We all need a certain amount of touch and often people can confuse a desire for sex with their primary love language being physical touch.  Folks with this language know they are loved when you hold their hand, rub their back, touch their knee as well as making love.

Finding out what language that you speak and asking for love that way is a great start.  Even more powerful might be asking your partner first.  You could simply say, "I really love you and want to know how I can express it in ways that feel great for you.  Which of these ways most speak to you?"   What could you lose by asking?

I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, and comments on this article!  Please feel free to post comments or email me directly!