Joy and Balance

Relish or Release It: 5 Tips for Doing a Family Purge

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

     These days it seems like many of us have more stuff than we know what to do with.  Piles upon piles of things fill our garage, our closets, our drawers and hide under our beds.  And all of this stuff takes time to maintain, organize, care for and clean.

      One of the easiest ways to create space and time in your life is to let go of some of your stuff.   Letting go can free up valuable time that you could spend doing really important things in your life like hanging out with your kids, reading bedtime stories, taking a nap, and all of the other things that there never seems to be enough time for.  And you also can teach your kids some really valuable lessons about what's really important in life. 

Cleaning Up Old Messes: Creating Time for Life

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

     How many times in your life have you heard your parents tell you to clean up your room?  How many times have you told your children the same thing?   It's not just messy rooms that can cause us to feel like there just isn't enough.   When we leave unfinished business in our past it can keep us from being fully present and hamper our ability to be with our family.   One of the most powerful things you can do to open your life is to complete or release unfinished business. Take just a minute and check in for yourself.  Are there projects that you have left unfinished for years that you keep planning to get around to, are there stacks of papers that you really would like to file or things that are out of control?

  One of the great time sappers for us can be unfinished projects or business.  They are like holes in a bucket and no matter how hard you try to fill the bucket, there is always a leak of your power or energy.  Finding ways to let these things go or get them done can plug the leaks and let you be more present to your life.

Leave Some Room on Your Plate: Saying Yes to What Really Matters

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

Lately I've been hearing a lot of people tell me that their plate is way too full.   This seems like an appropriate topic for the holidays since it's so easy to fill our plates and our lives with more activities than we can possibly handle.  It can be hard to say no.  Saying no to people can activate a whole host of negative self talk along with fears about whether people will like us, what will happen if we fail to meet their expectations, whether we should do what they’ve asked. 

     But here’s the kicker.  Most of the time you know, even before you say yes, the things that you should say no to.  Your intuition speaks loud and clear with a queasy feeling in your stomach or hesitation.  Learning to say no is one of the most liberating things that you can do for yourself.  It's also one of the most powerful things that you can model for your children.

Taking Time Back for Your Family: Make a Stop Doing List

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

There’s an old saying that goes, “When you’re in a hole, stop digging!”  One of the easiest ways to free up time for your family and your life is to stop doing the things that aren’t really serving you.   Sometimes we get so attached to the way that we are living, to the habits that are ingrained in our lives, that we can’t imagine living without them.  
    We all have little habits that we have done for so long that they simply go on autopilot.  It might be that you always fix a snack when you watch TV, or you have a drink before you go to bed.  Habits are fine (where we would we be without our teeth brushing and deodorant wearing habits?) as long as we are conscious of them.  The ones that we are unconscious of are often silently stealing our time from what's really important to us.

Slowing Down: Taking Notice of the Slow Movement

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

Carrie Fischer has written that "These days even instant gratification takes too long." Carl Honore, the Canadian journalist who has written In Praise of Slowness, an examination of movements that are gaining ground all over the world, discusses this movement. He offers us a hopeful vision of how we might be able to get off this treadmill and slow down in our lives.

Making Space for Life

Scott Mills, Ph.D.

In a recent conversation with a dear friend in Texas she told me of a dilemma that she and her husband are having.   They spend each night as well as the weekend shuttling their three children from their sports practices or their dance lessons.  She is feeling the pressure of missing being in relationship with her children and wants to slow down.  Her husband is convinced that to do so will mean that the children are missing out on something and won't be prepared for the world.

For most of us, the world is moving ever and ever more quickly.   We believe, like my friend's husband, that more is better whether its events, things, or money.   Dr. Bruce Levine, an American psychiatrist who works primarily with depression in a world going mad says that "we're lost but we're making good time."  The faster the world goes, the more that we must focus on ourselves just to be able to hold on.   And in this speed, we lose the capacity to really understand what's happening to us; to experience meaning, beauty or even joy.  And to reflect on whether our lives are actually going in the direction that we would like.

If you want to test this theory, see how much you are able to actually see when driving in your car at thirty five miles an hour down a neighborhood street.  Then park the car and walk down the street.  If you are like me, you will find that the world becomes more vibrant, more alive, more colorful when you take the time to really experience it rather than to consume it.

This has long been the understanding of the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, the writer of the Tao Te Ching, as he writes on the need for green spaces in our lives.

Thirty spokes
meet in the hub.
Where the wheel isn't
is where it's useful.

Hollowed out,
clay makes a pot.
Where the pot's not
is where it's useful.

Cut doors and windows
to make a room.
Where the room isn't,
there's room for you.

So the profit in what is
is in the use of what isn't.*

I would encourage you for a week to really pay attention to how much time you have to reflect and to experience life.  What could you let go of so that you would be able to more experience the life that you are living?

* From the translation of Ursula K. LeGuin. p14.